I found a four leaf clover at my feet at my craft show this past Saturday.
As you can see, one leaf is a little tattered, but hanging in there. I decided not to pick him and left it there to spread luck to anyone else who may choose that spot. It brought me luck because I had a nice show and sold some books and paintings.
This actually is the third or fourth four leaf clover I've found. My parents had a few huge patches in their front yard at our old house. One day I went looking and found one. Another time, I was laying on the bench of the picnic table and looked down and one was poking up above the rest.
Have you ever found a four leaf clover? What about a two leaf one? I've seen a few of those, too, but you can't be too sure if a leaf was lost or it grew like that.
Tomorrow's your funeral. The 20th is 6 months since you died. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not a public cryer. People want to touch me and console me and I just want to be left alone. Plus, I can't talk when I cry. Like, it gets physically impossible and I have to regain control before I can speak.
I wish I could sleep through this weekend since going back in time and making different decisions isn't possible. I try not to dwell on that. Nothing can be done now, you'd say. I can hear your voice clearly. It's honestly how I've been getting through this: Imagining you being annoyed at me for moping about your death.
But it's hard not to think of the things we could have done different. Maybe if they had scanned more of you instead of the area your cancer had been in previously. Maybe if you had surgery to cut it out of your liver. Lots of maybes.
You made the choices you thought were best. And I get not wanting to do surgery. Surgery is annoying and there are many other options for treatment. You didn't give up, even promising me to pull a General Leia from Episode 8 after the doctors ran out of options. It just sucks you didn't win. Stubbornness and bullheadedness are strong traits in our family, but didn't work out in our favor this time. Nothing to do now, but remember and keep living.
Every Friday is Celebrate the Small Things with Lexa Cain and L.G. Keltner.
The rules are blog about something good in your life. It can be something little or something big, but the goal is to find the positive in life and celebrate it. Then hop around the linky list on Lexa's blog and see what others are celebrating.
As you may know, this past Saturday my brother passed after a battle with cancer. The previous day I had posted for Celebrate the Small Things that he was still alive. He had been moved to hospice after most of the week in the ICU. I knew at any point, he could slip away, so each day he was still here was well worth celebrating. The chance of him recovering was nil, but I refused to let go of hope until the end.
It was a tricky balance: preparing for the worst while remaining hopeful. I'm still a little numb and last night I was really cursing my IC because I wanted some Rumchada. I think what hurts the worst is the idea that my parents now have to bury their child. It's supposed to be the other way around.
Honestly, I don't have much of a point here. It just felt too soon to be blogging like normal. I have to get back into the swing of things, but I also have to process and feel. Talking about it is part of that. Thanks for listening. <3
Stalk me Online
* Marie Landry
* Rainy Kaye
* Story Dam
* Earthsong (comic)
* A to Z Challenge
* Alex J. Cavanaugh
* Larry Kollar
* C. Lee McKenzie
* A Book Lover's Playlist
* Cherie Reich
* M. Pax
* MJ FiField
* Melissa Barker-Simpson
* Christine Rains
* Heather M. Gardner
* George McNeese
* Lexa Cain
* L.G Keltner
* Sarah Foster
* Chrys Fey
* Liana K (Youtube)
* Dining with IC
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