Last week started good, but ended on a bad note. Day job woes as usual, but I think I'm reaching my limit. No, I know I am because I actually talked to The Boss about it. And I avoid that because I know that we (me, the head cook, and The Boss) are all struggling to deal with the crap going on. I'm just a prep cook, so it really doesn't affect me as much as it does The Boss. This is her business, her name is on the front. I don't want to add to her stress level. I do my job for her sake, not just because she's my boss, but because she is a great person and I respect her.
But my happiness is important. Especially when I'm struggling to hold onto it. It's easier for me to admit here because I'm not face to face with anyone. (I had to write hubby a note about the self destructive thing I did the other week. That's how hard of a time I have discussing my problems with others. I should be able to tell hubby anything and I can't.) There's no judgment or interruptions to derail me. Lately, I've had a lot of dangerous thoughts. And there was the self destructive thing I did. It's why it's important I focus on the goal to stay positive. I want to be happy and appreciate everything I have. Not implode like I slowly am.
That was why it was so important that I talked to my boss. It was a big step for me too! Normally, I hold myself together until I'm alone and then I break down. I told her what happened, how I was feeling, and this is the best part, she understood. She got that I was doing my best, but could only take so much. No, I didn't quit, but I was definitely feeling better about the situation.
It'd be nice to end on that happy note, expect at 8:30am Saturday morning the head cook texted me, yelling at me for not doing my job because she was mad The Boss gave me the day off and made her work instead. I understand her anger, (the past three weeks, my days off have been spent covering for another coworker) but I'm now back on square zero. I spent the rest of the weekend stressed over how today will play out when I go in for my shift.
TL;DR – goal not achieved this week. =(
PS: It took me three hours to write this.