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Trying to take steps forward

3/23/2014

18 Comments

 
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If you recall my last #writemotivation update, I decided to put most goals on the back burner and focus on my positivity goal because I wasn't doing too great at it.

Last week started good, but ended on a bad note. Day job woes as usual, but I think I'm reaching my limit. No, I know I am because I actually talked to The Boss about it. And I avoid that because I know that we (me, the head cook, and The Boss) are all struggling to deal with the crap going on. I'm just a prep cook, so it really doesn't affect me as much as it does The Boss. This is her business, her name is on the front. I don't want to add to her stress level. I do my job for her sake, not just because she's my boss, but because she is a great person and I respect her.
But my happiness is important. Especially when I'm struggling to hold onto it. It's easier for me to admit here because I'm not face to face with anyone. (I had to write hubby a note about the self destructive thing I did the other week. That's how hard of a time I have discussing my problems with others. I should be able to tell hubby anything and I can't.) There's no judgment or interruptions to derail me. Lately, I've had a lot of dangerous thoughts. And there was the self destructive thing I did. It's why it's important I focus on the goal to stay positive. I want to be happy and appreciate everything I have. Not implode like I slowly am.

That was why it was so important that I talked to my boss. It was a big step for me too! Normally, I hold myself together until I'm alone and then I break down. I told her what happened, how I was feeling, and this is the best part, she understood. She got that I was doing my best, but could only take so much. No, I didn't quit, but I was definitely feeling better about the situation.

It'd be nice to end on that happy note, expect at 8:30am Saturday morning the head cook texted me, yelling at me for not doing my job because she was mad The Boss gave me the day off and made her work instead. I understand her anger, (the past three weeks, my days off have been spent covering for another coworker) but I'm now back on square zero. I spent the rest of the weekend stressed over how today will play out when I go in for my shift.

TL;DR – goal not achieved this week. =(

PS: It took me three hours to write this.
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18 Comments
Jessie Stank
3/23/2014 11:06:24 pm

Hang in there, baby.

This damn winter! It needs to die. You totally did the right thing by talking to your boss, especially since she seems to be someone you can trust. I totally understand your anxiety about not being able to share things with hubby and being worried about what's waiting for you at work. I HATE confrontation and I also have enough experience working in kitchens as both a line cook and prep cook to know that they can be one of the most drama-filled work environments on planet earth! You don't owe that person an explanation for taking time off. It's not their business. I still get not even wanting to have that conversation though.

Just know that the fact that you are aware of your feelings/problems and are trying your best to deal with them makes you a strong person. You will get through this slump, because that's what it is. A slump. Things can't stay hectic forever. (I know right now that sounds like I am trivializing, but I'm not. It's so true).

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. The sun has to shine eventually. (both literally and figuratively). :)

Reply
Patricia Lynne link
3/24/2014 12:49:04 pm

I am SO ready for the snow to leave!
Thanks for your comment, it was really uplifting. I may reread it whenever I need the encouragement.

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Alex J. Cavanaugh link
3/24/2014 12:57:30 am

The cook's problems are not yours. Tell the cook to take it up with the Boss.
Maybe writing it out is your way of talking to someone, especially if it makes you feel better. I don't talk much about problems either, except to God.
One day at a time, Patricia - you can do it.

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Patricia Lynne link
3/24/2014 12:49:52 pm

Writing it out usually does help. There's been a few times I've drafted blog posts only to delete them later.

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Rebekah Loper link
3/24/2014 02:07:37 am

It sounds like you're pretty near the place I was when I quit my last full-time job. The difference is that I didn't have a boss/manager I could talk to about the problems there - whenever I did bring up a problem, I was pretty much told to suck it up and be a big girl. Even when my health was on the line - which it was. Having unsympathetic managers when I was in the first stages of heat stroke was the final straw for me.

Hopefully people at work will grow up. *hugs*

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Patricia Lynne link
3/24/2014 12:51:06 pm

It was a big relief to have the boss in my corner.

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mooderino link
3/24/2014 06:08:26 am

Unfortunately you can't control what other people do so even when you take a step forward they can push you back, but that won't always happen. Speaking up when you need to can be very difficult and the fact you did it is admirable in itself, despite how others might react. They of course are struggling with their own problems which you are neither the cause of or responsible for.

mood

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Patricia Lynne link
3/24/2014 12:53:06 pm

They of course are struggling with their own problems << That's why I try to be sympathetic with my coworkers and when things are really rough, try hard to push through the annoyances and do what needs to be done. But sometimes it's like, "Hey, things aren't easy for me either and a little sympathy would be nice."

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K.T. Hanna link
3/24/2014 02:26:10 pm

I'm so glad you could talk to your Boss about things, but I'm sorry the weekend spiraled due to the cook.
I wish there was something I could do for you. I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself. That's the best thing you could do right now. *hugs*

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Patricia Lynne link
3/25/2014 12:19:53 pm

If you could send over a good working, non-drug addicted cook that'd be great. Or a vacation. ;)

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Daphne Shadows link
3/25/2014 03:46:43 pm

I do the same thing. Everything you just said is frighteningly familiar. I write things down because I don't know how to make myself talk about them sometimes. I've really been working on this for the past year though, and I'm getting better.
Just keep smiling. You deserve to. :D

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Patricia Lynne link
3/26/2014 01:33:46 am

Isn't it always thrilling when you find something someone says and it's so eerily similar to how you feel or think?
It's tough work too! I won't give up if you don't. =)

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Jamie Dement (LadyJai) link
3/27/2014 01:40:19 am

Oh sweetie! I just want to reach through these bits and bytes and give you one big squeezy hug! I completely understand the meltdown, the not being able to discuss feelings, the implosion! I've been there. Done that. And each time, I've come through. So my track record of coming through those rough times is 100%. I bet if you look at that too, you'd see you're batting 1000 just like me. Yeah, the bad sucks ass. But there are always people who understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It is very VERY important to take care of YOU before you can worry about everything/everyone else. Not sure if you've read any of my posts over on my Caring for my Veteran site, but I am now starting to openly admit my feelings...at least on the blog...and it does really help.
Jamie Dement (LadyJai)
<a href=http://writebackwards.we3dements.com>My A to Z</a>
<a href=http://caringforaveteran.wordpress.com>Caring for My Veteran</a>

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Patricia Lynne link
3/27/2014 07:05:45 am

*hugs* I think I am batting 1000. Bad times never last, even though they feel like it and they have a pesky habit of coming back. Not going to give in though. =D

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Cherie Reich link
3/27/2014 02:39:20 am

I believe you did the right thing in talking about your boss. Your happiness is important and you have to take steps to fight for it.

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Patricia Lynne link
3/27/2014 07:04:39 am

Thanks. There's been a few recent developments and I think things at work should turn around a bit and we're all hoping it will result in things calming down and run smoothly.

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Valerie Lawson link
3/31/2014 02:06:50 pm

as hard as it is for you to speak up for yourself, it's so great that you finally did - and that someone was there to listen. at some point, you have to stop worrying about others and focus on your own happiness. even if it means you have to make some changes.

but i'm totally with you about this winter. bring on the damn sunshine already.

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Patricia Lynne link
3/31/2014 02:47:11 pm

I'm glad I did and things are definitely turning around now.

It rained today. That was great. Rain is much better than snow!

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